Another option might be to just get rid of that hanging last line, as I feel you have already expressed that sentiment and concern just prior. I think the last hanging line is forced and sort of attaches an unnecessary hope, not quite a Hallmark ending, but moves in that direction. The poem is so powerful, and if you are suggesting you are looking at yourself, then that seems equally unnecessary. Just my thoughts, you're the writer, but I've done edits for novels and poems, only to offer another point of view.
Oh, you say "hand" in the sand, might you want "hands" instead? I think it reads better. Yours, Lawrence
I'm new, and you are right, my comments should have been sent as a dm, but I didn’t know how to do that.
I'm not sure I know what you mean by “Can you write and formulate like I can?” If my comments were presumptive or out of line, I apologize. I didn't mean I wanted to become an editor of his poems. I only meant that I've provided feedback or edits to many writers in the writer’s groups I've been a part of. Perhaps I might have said it more clearly. I always appreciate feedback that includes suggestions on how I might rephrase something or might delete something. Again, if I offended you or the author, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
I’ve always loved spoken word but I really need to get better at it. I want more emotion in the way I say it. As soon as there’s a camera on I’m a monotone robot 😂
If a genre of the poetry of suicide existed, Sinclair's voice clearly rises and resonates with what is often said when someone dies too young from taking their own life.
Heartbreaking 💔 You bring the sorrow to life, dear Harry, and the hope too 🤍
I love hearing this read!
Thank you Ann!!!
One of the most moving poems I've ever read. Thank you for sharing, and please keep going another day, and another, and another. 👍🙏
Mark, I appreciate you so much. Thank you for hearing my words and holding space for me. 💛
💛 💛
❤️ This was beautiful spoken. I'm glad to be touched by it.
Thank you J! I’m glad to have put it out there.
I do not deserve this, but that's not going to stop me from experiencing it again. ♾️
The rules preemptively break themselves for Deb
A modest suggestion for the last line: I spoke today a wish the boy goes another day.
A modest suggestion for the last line: I spoke today a wish the boy goes another day.
Oooo I like that, that is a profound ending line.
Another option might be to just get rid of that hanging last line, as I feel you have already expressed that sentiment and concern just prior. I think the last hanging line is forced and sort of attaches an unnecessary hope, not quite a Hallmark ending, but moves in that direction. The poem is so powerful, and if you are suggesting you are looking at yourself, then that seems equally unnecessary. Just my thoughts, you're the writer, but I've done edits for novels and poems, only to offer another point of view.
Oh, you say "hand" in the sand, might you want "hands" instead? I think it reads better. Yours, Lawrence
I think this would’ve been a more appropriate quip for DM’s, perhaps?
He has me to look over his work. Can you write and formulate like I can?
I'm new, and you are right, my comments should have been sent as a dm, but I didn’t know how to do that.
I'm not sure I know what you mean by “Can you write and formulate like I can?” If my comments were presumptive or out of line, I apologize. I didn't mean I wanted to become an editor of his poems. I only meant that I've provided feedback or edits to many writers in the writer’s groups I've been a part of. Perhaps I might have said it more clearly. I always appreciate feedback that includes suggestions on how I might rephrase something or might delete something. Again, if I offended you or the author, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
My best,
Lawrence
Beautiful, poignant, and sad. I'm glad you spoke to him.
Thank you, BJ. Me too.
Dope! I love this. Spoken word is one of my favourite things in the world. And a really powerful poem, Hazza. Keep on, keepin' on. One Love.
I’ve always loved spoken word but I really need to get better at it. I want more emotion in the way I say it. As soon as there’s a camera on I’m a monotone robot 😂
Video!!! What an awesome treat and such a wonderful poem!
Thank you angel E!!! 💛
If a genre of the poetry of suicide existed, Sinclair's voice clearly rises and resonates with what is often said when someone dies too young from taking their own life.
Harry is the voice of a generation.
So true, he is a linchpin today to the Romantic poets' past.
Stop it you two you’re gonna make me blush. Thank you Lawrence and Ed for such kindness! 💛
Blushing is a good catalyst for insights, enjoy the praise, as deep down that's what all of us muse hope for. 💜
Your rhythmic poem immediately drew me. I am left knowing I need to read more.
Thank you Luna! I’ll make sure there is more coming, then :D 💛
beautiful. heartbreaking
Thank you Shayne! 💛
Absolutely powerful. The writing but also the reading resonates each sentence I could feel the emotion. Bravo!
Thank you, Jill. I appreciate you always 💛
A consummate professional in every sense. This poem (and your follow-up in Part II) is stellarrrrrrrrrrr.
Big love brother ❤️